The mental challenges of not getting pregnant are grounded in basic human psychology and while disappointment is a natural healthy emotion, it is not the only way we can choose to feel.
It can be difficult to overcome the negativity and the inferior complex of not getting pregnant, when having children fulfills so many human needs – our sense of purpose, contribution and growth, a sense of love and connection, powerful significance because we want to be that little person’s whole world.
Fertility and pregnancy for many and to a huge extent is really just the opportunity for us to progress as human beings because it challenges us in ways that many, many other things in life just don’t.
Psychology research indicates that there are certain human needs that we need to achieve in order for us to be happy in our life.
- The first need is certainty. It’s the need to feel certain and secure and safe and know what it is that we can expect.
- Paradoxically we also have this need for uncertainty. Uncertainty, is all about either taking a risk, adventure, freedom from boredom.
- Then we’ve got love and connection, feeling loved, feeling accepted, feeling connected.
- The opposite of that is the need for significance, which is the need to feel unique and different from others which perhaps too often leads to comparing ourselves when really we crave some kind of connection.
- Need for growth and contribution we want to know or feel we are progressing.
What I want to bring to the table is that it’s so vital for us to stop the comparison and the self-judgment, not only on this fertility journey but really in life overall. We look at things and too often we don’t see them for what they are. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, has given me a different perspective in what it really means to compare ourselves, and when we compare ourselves, what are we comparing ourselves to.
I think that’s a really important thing to question.
I truly believe that it’s about our taking responsibility that makes all of the difference to the outcomes that we’re going to have in our lives, yet when everything is said and done, when you’ve done everything that you possible could, then it’s no longer up to us – all that’s left to us is actually accepting the situation and accepting what it is that we need to deal with.
It’s a difficult process for some. I know that in many areas of my life, I have struggled and continue to struggle and I’m sure that I will continue to struggle even in the future to letting go, it’s not going to until you decide that enough is enough that it’s actually going to be enough. We all have things in life that we struggle with, and I also believe that we all have aspects or areas of life where we make it harder for ourselves than it needs to be because of the patterns of thought we establish.
Take the emotion look at your situation with a different set of eyes. Consider – I want to feel loved, to feel connected, to feel that I’m important, that I am good enough, that there is some fun, and there is also some security, and there is growth, and there is contribution.
Then ask yourself what are all the ways that I can experience that? What are all the things that I can do that will give me that fulfillment that I need in the deepest, deepest places in my heart and in my soul?
There are so many different ways of doing that, and it starts with loving yourself. It starts with connecting with your heart and knowing that you are absolutely good enough just how you are irrespective of what happens of whether you have children or whether you don’t.
Really just connected to that part of you that knows that you can love, that you can contribute, that you can help others. No matter who you are, have a look at your life and decide right now, to make the changes that are going to make you truly happy.
Often, that change is just an outlook. It’s just a way of seeing things.
We can’t change how things are and no piece of news or no circumstance is good or bad. It can be good or bad depending on how you choose to view it. When the stock market crashes and the country goes into recession, is it good or bad? Well, it depends. It depends on what side of the fence you’re on.
I know people that have raised millions through the stock market crash. I have met people who have made amazing things happen as a result of the worst possible kind of tragedies, and it turned their life around and they’re helping literally thousands of people as a result of their personal trauma or experience.
Again, how you actually view a circumstance or a situation really very much depends upon outlook. The choice is ours. The choice to see things differently, to experience things in another way is truly our own, and it’s not going to happen or come about just by pure luck. We have to get ourselves there, and that’s the really important thing that I really want to share with you.